JUNE GEMS: FOOD FOR THOUGHT APPETEASERS

      With summer upon us it's a golfers paradise and so we bring some good natured fun about golfing and the aficionado weekend golfers known as duffers. The first was sent by LG via e-mail and is called Murphy's Law of Golf. If you like playing the links, you'll love these for you should relate. The second set titled A Duffer's IQ reveals that some weekend hackers (and we don't mean the computer types) haven't got a clue when they're on the links. Surely you've met some of these types while waiting patiently to play through. Enjoy and go for the birdies! Fore!

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until sunset.

Why doesn't a duffer like making Kool-Aid?
Because he can't fit 8 cups of water in the little envelope.

How do you keep a duffer occupied during a rain delay?
Give him a bag of M&M's and tell him to alphabetize them.

Why can't a duffer be a pharmacist?
He can't get the bottle in the typewriter.

What's the definition of eternity?
Four duffers at a Four-way stop waiting for the other to play through!

What do you call a basement full of duffers?
A whine cellar!

What do duffers call Cheerios?
Donut seeds!"

Hear about the duffer that kept an AM radio in his golf bag?
It took him a month to realize he could play it at night.

Why do duffers like playing in the lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.

Why did the duffer scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.

How do you make a duffer laugh on Saturday?
Tell him a joke on Wednesday.

Why did the duffer stare at frozen orange juice?
Because it said 'concentrate'.